Reported by Trixie Delicious, NARIP’s Gal About Town
You can tell more about a record company’s fortunes by its parties than its press releases. Intrepid reporter and Gal About Town Mademoiselle Trixie tirelessly submits herself to test and re-test this theory. Going where few men dare to tread (and with good reason), Trixie sports among her credentials the sexiest and most progressive shoe collection in the galaxy. Often forced to don a cunning array of disguises to escape detection, your Trixie leaves no wicked turn un-stoned, no party unattended, no scandal uncovered.
In the past, I was a swirl of activity, dashing from party to post with hardly a moment to fasten my ankle straps. But the absence of decadent soirees does not bode well, in stark contrast to the past (heavy sigh). These are troubled times, my dears.
But enough of me, what about you? You can’t afford cable or eating out, you spend listless evenings at home in dingy underwear surfing the Internet wondering what to do with your tiny life. There, there, Trixie will comfort you, uplift and give you hope (however small). Happy times, they will return!
So let Trixie set an example of pluck and courage. With newsprint driven to extinction and parties thin on the ground, Trixie’s rogue reportage doesn’t command the large sums it used to, and she has had to ponder alternate cash-generating schemes to keep her in lavish style and sexy footwear. Take in the washing at 25 cents a pound, herd swine or re-purpose her cunning skills to become a criminal mastermind? This latter option is a logical fallback plan with her disguises and party crashing strategies honed to perfection.
And certainly, a silver tongue has always been the first line of defense for any decent spy and your Trixie employs the taut quote, the bon mot better than the rest. Her stiletto-to-the-spleen maneuver comes in handy on occasion, too.
But being a gentle soul and disinclined to stick people with hatpins or eject them from speeding cars, and learning from her fan mail that many a gal (and guy!) yearns to be like Trixie, we birthed a brilliant idea. Just in time for Valentine’s Day.
!!!!!! Trixie’s Sexie Merch !!!!!!
Dress like Trixie!
Easy as one-two-three, Trixie’s saucy and exciting new merch line comforts, uplifts and restores the tissues.
Suit every need. And you’ll need every suit (especially our skin-tight rubber one – in fact, buy two!).
So it is with great fanfare and pride that we present to you Trixie’s Sexie Merch Line (please rate your favorites):
- “Not Without Dinner & A Show” Button
- Broccoli-Flavored Lip Gloss for the health-conscious, also helps repel unwanted attentions. Tuna and Brussels sprouts flavors also available.
- Convertible Mini-Cooper With Secret Passenger Eject Button. For when you tire of your interview subject and need to file your report under deadline.
- Cuban Cigar With Secret Embedded Recording & Tracking Device. Carry with you to gift your unsuspecting interview or exposé subjects, know their location at all times.
- Fur Handcuffs. Liven up any party. Also useful for undercover reporting gigs.
- Larvae-Shaped Earplugs. Reduce the risk of someone walking off with YOUR earplugs.
- Lip-Reading Guide. Eavesdrop With Confidence… be the first to know if they’re talking about you (hint: they are!).
- Quick & Easy Guide of Secret Hand Signals & Semaphores. Useful when reporting in pairs or transmitting confidential matters across state and federal borders. Includes secret signals such as Identifying Buffet Location, Unguarded Entrance Over Here (for easier breech of security barriers like piranha-infested moats), and You Must Try This Sausage Now!
- Sexie Trixie-Wear. Skin-Tight Rubber Suit With Strategically Placed Cut-Out Ovals (men’s and women’s natürlich, in large, medium or small sizes). 2-for-1 special!
- Sexie Very-Private-Label Trixie-Wear. Trixie T’s & Teddies in rainbow assortment of colors.
- The Telltale Shoe. A fast-paced, gripping crime novelette in which Chief Inspector Trixie Tennyson employs her vast knowledge of shoes and foot fetishes to solve murders and crack international drug rings.
- Trixie Beanies. Represent!
- Trixie D. Undercover Reporter Kit. Jeweled Lipstick Case With Hidden Microphone & Camera, Disappearing Ink Pen, Stun Gun Disguised as a Hat Pin or Brooch, Fur Hand Cuffs (also sold separately)
- Trixie Gardening Tools. Includes spade and trowel.
- Trixie Guide To Fabulous Footwear. Proprietress of the Sexiest & Most Progressive Shoe Collection in the Galaxy, Trixie knows her soles and gives tips and secrets on how to build your own stunning collection! Be a stand-out at any party, social function or reporting gig, dazzle them into submission (and confession) with your sex-appeal, brilliance and style. File shocking reports. Raise eyebrows. A must-have for serious reporters.
- Trixie Hand Puppet. Great ice-breaker at funerals and political fund-raisers.
- Trixie Heating Pad. For the morning after (reporting can be such hard work).
- Trixie Home Appendicitis Kit. For when parties REALLY get out of control. A perfect hostess gift (when gifted in advance, sends clear signal to your hostess that you expect one helluva bash).
- Trixie Miniature Toaster Oven. For ease of transport and toasting muffins on the move.
- Trixie Oven Mitts. Requires no explanation.
- Trixie Party Crasher Kit (a favorite!). Collapsible Pole Vault, Full-Strength 500-ft Nylon Rope With Dual Titanium Light-Weight Grappling Hooks and Fake Mustache Ensemble (easy to tuck into a pocket or purse). Access any party, even when uninvited. Useful for undercover reporting gigs.
- Trixie Party Gear. Re-usable fold-away self-washing Tupperware champagne glass and plate, easy to tuck into a pocket or purse. Be Green, avoid buffet lines, and get first dibs at the food & drink!
- Trixie Press Credential Replica. All-Access To Almost Anywhere. Not really endorsed by the International Press Club, in fact, banned (and therefore more valuable).
- Trixie Roadside Assistance Kit. Fluorescent Green Day-or-Nite-Glo Mini-Skirt (extremely short, for maximum attention-grabbing purposes), Naughty Monkey pumps (bright orange in desired size), tube top (rainbow assortment of colors available), lipstick, crow bar and “Help!” sign. Triple A rates our kit “very useful!” A must-have for ladies on the move… and ladies who will go anywhere.
- Trixie Travel Kit. Comes with toothbrush, nightie, eye mask and hand grenade.
- Trixie’s Favorite Party Recipe Booklet. Includes perennial hits such as Shrimp A La Mode, Swizzle Stick Sensation and Meatball Surprise.
- Trixie’s Little Black Book of Bon Mots (with extra blank pages for your favorite secrets and special friends).
Order now while supplies last. Monthly installments.
Thank you for your support of Trixie!
# # #